A few days ago a dear friend pointed out to me that right now is a time to celebrate and get ready for our new baby instead of living in fear of what could go wrong. She said the 9 months gestation allows parents to prepare mentally and emotionally for the new addition to their family. Ever since we learned our surrogate is pregnant Brian and I have been in emotional lockdown, holding our breath waiting to see if the other shoe is going to fall with bad news again. I realize this is not healthy am struggling to come to terms with this fear. The last thing I want is to transfer any of our past emotional baggage onto our baby.
Last night this was again brought home to us when Brian’s brother told him that his family does not think we are acting like normal expecting parents. After he got off the phone with his brother Brian and I talked about it and decided it is time for us to let our outer circle of friends and family know about the pregnancy. We decided the easiest way to do this is to have Brian paste a link to our blog from Facebook.
I tossed and turned for several hours last night thinking about this. I have mixed feelings about sharing our blog with people outside the surrogacy community. It is our story of our struggles and pain over the last few years dealing with infertility and my inclination is to keep things like this private. We have been pretty selective on sharing it up until now. I also know how incredibly lucky we are to be in the place we are right now of expecting a baby and having a healthy pregnancy. I know so many people out there who have struggled longer than we have or dealt with horrendous loss and are still on the path to creating their family. I don’t know why this struggle is so much harder for some than others. The words “Fairness” and “Deserving” don’t enter into the equation. I don’t even know what it means to act like “Normal Expecting Parents”, but I do know that we have to stop living in fear and start celebrating our new addition.
I want to thank all our fellow surrogacy friends for all the support and friendship you generously give through your comments and emails. I can’t tell you how much it means to us to share this experience with you. It was your thoughts, wisdom and experience that kept us going when we felt like giving up. This journey is not easy and I can’t believe how many wonderful people we have met from all over the world that have shared it with us and will hopefully continue to share.
You have a lot to celebrate! Maybe you just need to give yourself permission to be proud of our your pregnancy? You are going to be parents!!!
ReplyDeleteIn my view, there is no 'normal' in expecting other than to be excited and nervous and terrified and ecstatic and cautious and on and on....I think we can all put a check next to all of those!
Best best best of everything to you both...and congrats on sharing your story with your wider circle.
It's completely understandable that you would not act like 'normal' expecting parents. You have been through so much and hence, you've built a protection mechanism around your heart.
ReplyDeleteBut I do believe it is time to start pulling that mechanism down! You're appraoching the time when baby is viable outside the womb. And that's about the time you should start preparing for his/her arrival. Yippe!
Now that we have baby, I wish I'd spent more of our pregnancy relaxed and enjoying our free time (lol). But i know this would have been impossible.
Doon't beat yourself up about anything. You're an amazing couple and you're just doing what you need to do to get by.
xxx
I think the new look of the blog (love it) shows a fresh approach. Maybe it is time...who knows. What the heck is "normal" anyway. If you were carrying this baby yourself, you would probably be a wreck as well, so normal is this for you. If I ever get to the "pregnancy" stage of this process, I think I will be optimistically guarded. I dunno, maybe not, but we all have our own way of coping and that is ok. I agree with Jojo that you are an amazing couple, inspirational!!!
ReplyDeleteWooHoo Amber and Brian, you're taking the first steps and i'm loving it! (LOVE the new look) and it suits you because without your help along MY path i would have given up a while back. Your help has helped many of us and NOW its your TURN to enjoy and let loose, use those statistic and numbers to get GREAT sale prices and bargins for OUR ALASKAN BABY...you're not in this alone hun, now S/he has an extended family who will know love from all over the world!
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the sale racks and long hours looking for great deals!
Amber and Brian,
ReplyDeleteCarrie-Jo's mom here. I have never commented on your blog, but have read every word and I have been praying for you for a long time now. My mother's heart breaks for you (I feel like I've adopted all of you surro bloggers) that you cannot enjoy this time, but it is understandable considering all you've been through.
I have no majic words to change that, but just know that I will pray for a peace that surrpasses understanding for the remainder of your pregnancy. I am so excitied for you and can't wait until we are drooling over the pics of your little one.
It is such an emotional ride.... put your seat belt on because you are about to have a baby!!!
ReplyDelete"Normal" is over rated!!!
Darling Snowflake people,
ReplyDeleteSome of my favorite quotes from Tolle...
◦"Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry — all forms of fear — are cause by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence"
◦"To be free of time is to be free of the psychological need of past for your identity and future for your fulfillment"
Live in the NOW, that is all we have and your consciousness right now shapes what will come in the future. We have no control over these pregnancies no matter how much we stress out. All we can do is relax and accept Fate. Your families are right on: enjoy the moment you are living in which is a GOOD TIME. You are pregnant and there is a heartbeat on the other side of the planet that continues to beat and is waiting to catch up with its parents.
Relax. Breathe. Enjoy the present.
Jon
You guys are so right. And so great of you to let your outer circle into all of this. It really is unique and challenging and tough for people not going through it to really grasp.
ReplyDeleteC and I both think you guys have such an amazing thing just around the corner. Celebrate and enjoy the moment as it's all going to change and become even more exciting.
We're hopefully just a few months behind you and we'll be in close contact so that we can get all of the little details on the final weeks from you guys.
25 weeks - fantastic. Normal is over rated, I'm sure you're acting just fine.
ReplyDeleteWhen, and how, you choose to tell people Amber is totally up to you. Do we ask people who are adopting to "feel pregnant"? Don't think so. So if you're not ready to take on that mindset just yet, don't. But please be a little bit excited in private. And just tell people when you're home with your miracle bundle. Or do a Faith to Vishwas and draw a flowchart that you email out!!
ReplyDeleteBeing worried, I've discovered, is part and parcel of being a parent. We worry about the pregnancy (even more so as we're not carrying). We worry that it's actually true (and we're not being ripped off). We worry at birth. I then worried that there was a mix up in a lab somewhere and they weren't us (DNA testing requirement of Aust govt). You then worry they aren't eating enough/sleeping enough/pooping enough. You worry about SIDS. It never ends, so if nothing else you're preparing nicely for the next 20+ years. LOL!!1
This is not a normal journey so none of us can really act like "normal" expecting parents. I think we held our breadth up until we actually got home with the girls.
ReplyDeleteI think you should celebrate some, have a glass of wine, let yourselves get excited...but I understand how you feel.
As for letting in the inner circle...that's a tough one. But people can surprise you for the better sometimes.
"When" is only 15 weeks away and it will come up on you real quick. Relish in the fact that you no longer have to worry about "if". It's time to celebrate YOUR pregnancy!
ReplyDeleteit just dawned on me that we are all feeling anxious and fearful about something and that somehow it is easier to be worried and scared out of our wits then it is to be happy and optimistic. i really admire the people who have the ability to do that (happy and optimistic that is). then, i came across this quote and i thought, ahhh this is perfect. ""Give in to love, or live in fear." Mimi Marquez, "Another Day", Rent . take a deep breath and give it a try. you'll be just fine.
ReplyDelete